This Time of Year is the Most Difficult
I haven't written a personal journal in such a long time that this feels a little foreign to me. I guess I just needed a place to put feelings I have that not everyone I know can see...at least fewer people will see, anyway.
The reason I've been struggling so much this past year is because I've suffered some pretty life-changing incidents. The biggest overall factor being my sudden diagnosis medically that lead to a breakthrough with my depression. My depression isn't gone, but it has improved so drastically that I feel like a completely different person. However, in becoming the person beneath the fur coat of depression, I'm now plagued with bouts of anxiety and panic attacks.
This is all a little new to me. I knew how to handle depression, and I knew how to help others through anxiety, but feeling it myself...I'm utterly lost. I don't have a strong support group or someone to lean on for help. I don't want to burden people either, but some days, when I've locked myself in my bathroom and can't get a full breath, it'd be nice to be able to contact someone I know would be there, even through text.
I just...feel like I don't really deserve it, to some extent, so I don't ask. Despite the conflicts of the past year sociologically, and the realization that a lot of it was cross-communication through other individuals skewing information to such an outlying degree that it wasn't even close to the intended purpose, I still feel as though I continually need to prove myself. I don't typically act on these feelings, instead opting to act for my best intentions while considering the consequences on others and being acutely aware of my wording and tone of voice, but they're still there.
It comes from my own lack of self-esteem. Struggling to always do your best and be the best person you can be while simultaneously being told you're basically the worst person on the face of the planet (through miscommunication-but just the overall gist of that idea) really struck me hard. I constantly feel as though everyone is going to leave me. I push people away now or keep them at a distance for this reason, and it often frightens me at the same time. I'm a social person. I like being around others. I enjoy people's company. I've never had the opportunity to have many friends or branch out and enjoy life. But...I'm afraid they're going to hurt me, and I'm afraid I'm going to hurt them too.
This time of year...is particularly difficult for me. Two years this time has come around, and both years, people who I have reconciled conflicts with have once again separated themselves from me. I have never truly understood this, but I don't have to understand it to feel anxious about it. And that anxiety...I've been combating it as it increases in hostility as the end of the month nears.
Tonight...was particularly bad.
I don't want to have to start over again every summer from scratch. I don't want to be forgotten through the winter. I don't want to feel like a convenience. And even though I do not feel like these things now, the remnants of the previous incidents still linger in my mind. I guess those statements should be turned into questions to really face how I feel. Will I be forgotten? Will I have been a convenience?
These are questions I cannot answer.
All I know is that I feel a lot of things, and I don't know how to express them, and I don't know where to place them, and I don't know what to do. I'm lost when it comes to this. I'm afraid. I'm terrified, honestly, that no matter how much I work hard on becoming who I am, that person will never be enough. And...I guess that's founded, a little. I'm not particularly wanted in the way I hope to be. It just...hurts. Knowing that hurts. I hold onto the feelings because they aren't wrong, just...unnecessary. Just...selfish, but in a good way. I have these feelings, and I'm willing to give them freely and with knowing that there will not be a reciprocation, but it doesn't make it sting less.
I’m not really sure what I want to get out of writing this journal. Maybe it’s just because I need to feel as though I have a place to land softly. I wish I could just put it all out there and be let down, but I don’t think I want to feel that kind of pain this early, especially going into the fall, where I become isolated and the light lessens. But…a part of me wants to know. A part of me wants to hope that things might actually work out. I do hope it would work out, really I do, and I think things would be good. Good and positive and just…gah. But…I’m only me. And I can’t decide for other people, or have their opinion, or influence them to think a certain way. I just…wish I could be open and honest and just, at the very least, be friends. Friends as good as it was, and just having learned from everything.
But…I’m just me.
And I’m scared.
And I don’t want to feel pain for a while longer. I want to be okay, even if I feel conflicted on my actions, because it’s better to be this way than to suffer loss once more. But I’m scared. I’m so scared of what’s to come and where my life is going and just…everything going wrong. For me. Because of me. Around me. I know things are inevitable. And I know that life isn’t fair, but…I just hope, maybe even a little, that things could turn out how I hoped, and not the complete and utter opposite in the gutter in flames like they seem to.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.